Hateshinai Yami no Mukou ni
by Shirohane
Summary: Sasuke realizes Naruto's impact on his life only after he loses him. On his birthday, Sasuke reminisces about what he had lost. Will Naruto give him another chance? Sasuke x Naruto.


You don't realize how precious something was until you've lost it. Like foolish living beings that humans are, I believed that he'd always be there when I turned around. Perhaps I only wanted to believe in his smile, the 'it's okay's he whispered to me. I blocked out all the sad smiles he gave me, the little droop of his shoulders as I disappointed him again and again, the tear-filled eyes that refused to let the tears drop.

Yes. I would have continued to live, oblivious to his pains, if he had not left me.

[Hateshinai Yami no Mukou ni -Within the Sadness-]

作: Shirohane

"Sasuke, I won't come to see you for a while," he said. "I'm leaving now, okay?" He said. He was smiling when he said that. It wasn't one of his broad, irritating grins. It was a small, rueful smile. I numbly stared at his turned back. My mouth opened, but I couldn't say anything. What can I say now? What can I possibly say to stop him from leaving now?

Only after he left was I able to fall down to my knees.

I liked him.

The first thing I grew to like was his smile. It was like sunshine, a bright expression that parted the dark cloud hovering over my mind. Like one ray of light that pierced through a foggy day, the smile was refreshing because it was sincere, a smile that reached his eyes.

I liked his eyes. The eyes were like sky on the clearest summer afternoon where not a cloud dared to disturb the tranquil sky blue. Sometimes the shade changed until the color resembled deep autumn sky, and occasionally when he was angry the color changed into blue-gray of winter sky. But it was never a steely shade of blue. Sometimes his eyes softened to cotton candy blue like warm spring sky, and these eyes he only showed to me. I liked his honest eyes.

I liked his loudness. I liked his happiness. I liked his determination to live, to become stronger, to improve himself, to not lose. I liked his hugs. I liked the tears he shed. I liked his weakness when he curled up by himself in the darkness and tried not to cry. I liked his strength that was willing to embrace even my sins. I liked his purity. I liked his shyness that stained his cheeks pink at soft words whispered to him at night. I liked his kindness. I liked his naivety. There was nothing I didn't like about him.

"I like you."

He had stared at me like I had finally lost my marbles. It was even more clueless expression than his usual stupid face, so I burst into laughter. "You- You! Don't tease me like that!!!" He had yelled at me. But at the laughter I never showed to anyone else, he blushed a little. To show him that I wasn't merely teasing him, I clutched his cheeks in my hands and loudly kissed him, making 'chu' sound.

* * *

"Sasuke, you said you were going to come home early today," Naruto said to me. The rims of his eyes were red. It seemed that he had been crying again. Somehow the word 'sorry' couldn't be said, so I merely stared at him. He gave me a sad smile.

"¢®­I guess it can't be helped. Since Sasuke is so busy."

He turned away and started to clean up the table. He was mumbling things to himself.

"Since the ice all melted, I guess we can't eat this soba now. What should I do about the noodle? It'll taste nasty if I freeze it, and it's starting to harden. The cucumber is starting to dry out, too. I can put the horseradish sauce back in the container, but¢®­" His voice was starting to shake. Tears splattered down on his hands. He was looking forward to eating together with me. For almost a week he had been happily talking about today, about what he wants to eat, about what we would do after eating. While chasing the consecutive murderer I had completely forgotten that I had promised with Naruto to come home early today.

I'm a person like that. Both Naruto and I knew that well. So even though he got hurt and he cried, Naruto didn't yell at me. He asked in a trembling voice, "Should I boil a cup noodle for you?"

I shook my head.

* * *

"Welcome home, Sasuke," Naruto told me. He was curled up on the sofa like a kitten, rubbing his sleepy eyes while he faintly smiled at me. He was growing out of the sofa, so it looked very uncomfortable. I told him numerous times that if I didn't come home until late hours, he should just go to our bedroom and sleep, but he gave me his idiotic smile and said, "But." I couldn't even give him a 'I came home'.

"You'll catch a cold."

My voice came out more cold than I intended. Even at my icy tone Naruto continued to smile and held out his arms, so I picked him up and kissed his cheek.

"Why didn't you come home last night?"

Had he been waiting since yesterday? All this time, at this same place? The sun was starting to rise. I felt something tugging at my heart, but my face remained expressionless. "You know my job makes my schedule very irregular."

"Yeah, but you'll collapse if you continue to overwork yourself like that," Naruto gently chided. His complaints always concerned his worry for me. I knew that. But I couldn't make my voice gentle.

I kneeled down and picked up various comic books and game systems he had left lying around him. Naruto widely yawned, so I said, "Go wash up and sleep."

"Yeah. Sorry, Sasuke," Naruto said.

What are you sorry about?

"Good night, Sasuke."

* * *

Naruto tilted his head to one side. "Sasuke, are you listening?"

Naruto was rambling about the chuunin exam. Those kind of talks were useless to me. My head was filled with outcast ninja that the anbu team was chasing after. The criminal constantly managed to evade the anbu as well as us the police force, so it was quite a headache at the headquarters.

I continued to write the mission report. My office grew strangely quiet, so I lifted my head up. In front of me was the packed lunch that Naruto had brought for me. Naruto himself had left.

Somehow I couldn't bring myself to eat the lunch.

* * *

I worked like something possessed me all day. A dull throbbing pain in my chest amplified as the time flowed past me like grains of falling sand. It hurt. It hurt a lot. I didn't want to think, so I worked. As I filed mission report after mission report and ran after the criminals until my legs ached and my lungs felt like a hole had been poked through them, my heart strangely felt empty.

When I returned home, there was no 'welcome back home'. The house was not a mess. Comic books and blankets Naruto usually left scattered around on the living room were not there. Naruto himself was not curled up on the sofa uncomfortably, smiling up at me. And then it finally hit me that he left me, that he would not return.

Was this how it felt every time I didn't return home? I lay on the sofa, staring up at the ceiling. My eyes couldn't focus on the ceiling. The sofa was too small. My back hurt. Day after day, I thought if only I stopped and looked behind me, Naruto would be there. Since Naruto was always there, perhaps that's what I wanted to believe in. But now when I turned around Naruto was not there to support me. There was only darkness when I turned around.

I told him that I liked him. At night I would put my forehead against his and say, "I like you, Naruto." There were so many things I wanted to do for him. But as the days passed, Naruto's smile grew less and less frequent, and it looked difficult for him to maintain his smile. I was the one who erased that smile from his lips. I was the one who made him sad. I said 'I like you', but I hurt him.

* * *

"Sasuke, you're a mess," Kakashi said when I bumped into him. I shook my head and turned away. My feet led me to Naruto's apartment. The windows had curtains closed over them, but light spilled from under the curtains. I pressed my hand against the door. The surface of the door felt cold. Since I couldn't ring the bell, I turned away and started to walk back to my home again. It was called 'our home' only few days ago. I was able to find Naruto there only few days ago.

How could I beg for forgiveness now? I hurt him so much that there was no way that I could approach him again. We were even further apart then before. Before Naruto and I became more than friends, Naruto had gotten angry with me. He had fought with me. He stayed with me. Now Naruto didn't even approach me anymore, and there was no way I could go near him now.

My home, of course, was dark. Naruto wasn't there to light it up and wait for me any longer. The only thing Naruto could have done was to give me a small smile as he said 'I'm leaving', because I broke his heart into such little pieces that he couldn't even bring himself to be angry anymore. With my own hands I have tore Naruto apart, and there was nothing I could do now.

"Naruto," I hoarsely said into the darkness.

Of course there was no reply.

I turned on the light. Neat room greeted me. The room seemed needlessly large. There seemed to be a big vacancy in the middle of the vastly wide room.

I sat on the floor, leaned my back against the wall, and cried.

* * *

To tell you the truth, the only thing I wanted was Naruto. I didn't care about being an Uchiha. It didn't matter that I was one of the youngest of anbu; that I was in a special police force chosen to protect the citizens of my village. Titles and money did not matter. It was nice that my salary was high enough so that I was able to buy anything I wanted, but since material things interested neither Naruto nor me, it wasn't of a big importance. When I said I would give half of my monthly salary to Naruto, Naruto gently shook his head and smiled. Naruto asked nothing from me except for my affection.

But I trampled upon the only important thing in my life. Because I was so power-hungry, because I thought I had to be the best in everything, I couldn't do anything for Naruto. I always thought, 'Tomorrow I'll make time for him'. That tomorrow never came. Naruto cried and suffered. While it tore my heart apart to see him like that, he said with a watery smile, "It's okay." He always allowed me to be selfish.

I don't have tomorrow anymore.

I pushed the door to my home open. My head hurt. I couldn't remember the last time I ate anything, because anything I chewed tasted like sand. I leaned against the door and lowered my head.

"Waaaa! Stupid Sasuke! What were you doing all this time?!"

Heh. I'm even hearing things now.

"Sasuke?"

Small hands wrapped themselves around my cheeks. Big blue eyes stared into mine, warm forehead touching my forehead and strangely soft blond hair tickling against my skin. The whisker marks on his cheeks crinkled every time he talked. He felt real. He was warm. …He couldn't be an illusion, could he? …Naruto.

"I almost didn't make it because of you! E—to."

He pulled away from me and glanced at his watch, seemingly counting something. He looked up and grinned.

"There, 12 o'clock. Happy birthday, Sasuke."

He busily ran around the room. Glare of light hurt my eyes, so I frowned. Balloons and flowers decorated my living room, and in the center of the room there was a table. The glare of light came from the lighter that Naruto was using to light up the candles on the cake. When soft, yellow light filled the room as Naruto finished lighting up all the candles, Naruto backed away, his hands clasped behind his body.

"Ano sa. I wanted to be the first to congratulate Sasuke's birthday, so. Since Sasuke has so many people who want to celebrate his birthday, he might have to attend parties and things like that later, so I've been waiting. I _am_ the first, aren't I?"

When I numbly nodded, Naruto scratched the back of his head, shyly smiling.

"That's good. I almost didn't make it, because Sakura-chan said my cake was ugly, but that's okay, right? I've been learning how to bake a cake from Sakura-chan because Sasuke never likes the ones we buy from store. I did my best to not make it too sweet, and I put in lots of strawberry that Sasuke likes. I also had to increase my workload, since most of my missions don't pay me that well."

Naruto laughed, then said, "I'm sorry I didn't come for few days. Maa, but I already told you I won't come to see you for few days, so. Here, present."

Naruto handed me a white box wrapped with blue ribbon. It was really clumsily wrapped, so I knew Naruto had hand-wrapped it. When I carefully pulled the wrappings away from the box and opened it, there was a small book.

"It's a planner," Naruto explained as I opened the book. There was one of the few pictures we took together in the book. My birthday was circled in red ink, and beneath it was an untidy writing that said, "congratulations, my most precious Sasuke." It must've been quite expensive. Naruto must have worked a lot of extra time to be able to afford something like this for me. "Since Sasuke is always so busy, I thought it might be of a help. Anou, Sasuke is always organized anyway, so he might not need it, but."

You're too noisy, you dimwit.

"…are? Arerere?!"

I really thought that you left me, you know.

"Sa, Sasuke. Are you crying?"

You idiot. Do you know how happy I am?

"Sasuke… You're hurting me. Don't hug me that tight; my ribs will crack. Sasuke?"

Thank you for giving me another chance. Thank you for returning to me. Thank you for letting 'tomorrow' exist.

"…Happy birthday, Sasuke."

It's the best birthday I've ever had, Naruto.

* * *

Oshimai

Wahahahaha! I almost forgot Sasuke's birthday! coughs Thank you, Silver-san, for reminding me. Sorry that your birthday fic was so rushed, Sasuke-chan. Oniichan is a bad, bad fan. I'm sorry I made you suffer so much on your birthday. Oniichan is a horrible, horrible sadist. I'm sorry I made you cry. I'm sorry for the extended Sasuke ijime.

Happy birthday, Sasuke-chan. Always be happy with Naruto. At the end of the long road called 'life' that you walk down, I hope you'll find 'happiness' and that you'll be able to 'smile'. And I hope every moment of your life is so filled with light and happiness that you can honestly say to yourself, "I'm glad that I am alive". Don't make Naruto too angry and don't act too much like an idiot, even though I'll still love you even if you do. 14 sai, kokoro kara omedetou.


End file.
